Democratic Candidates
Bernie Sanders Ah, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie. Bernie reminds me of the unpopular kid in high school who wants to become more popular by running for class president. He doesn’t really know what to run on so he decides to promise everyone everything he thinks they want. Free pizza and ice cream in the cafeteria. No more gym. Smart kids will have to do the homework of kids who aren’t so smart. You know the deal. He’s trying to be a populist candidate who is a millionaire with three homes and didn’t pay his campaign staff the minimum wage of $15 per hour which he wants to pass into law. Advice: You have too many platforms. Any good salesperson would tell you that when trying to sell something, don’t give the buyer more than three things to think about. More than that is overkill. Pick your three most important positions, tell me why its important to me, how much its going to cost and how you will pay for it. Stop trying to be Everyman, it just confuses people. Elizabeth Warren Very bright lady except I wish she’d stop yelling about things. When she speaks she always sounds as though she’s on the verge of becoming hysterical. Another “populist” candidate who got paid $400,000 to teach one class at Harvard. She’s pushing so far to the left that she’s about to take herself right out of the game. As Snaggletooth used to say “exit stage left”. Advice: You’re all over the place. You need to pick your most important issues and concentrate on them, just like Bernie. If you don’t move more towards the middle you can’t win. You’ll just become that woman on the left who couldn’t help but get riled up about everything. Act presidential. Calm, confident and secure in your beliefs. Joe Biden I think he’s a decent guy who just doesn’t have a clue anymore. If he were your grandfather, you wouldn’t let him play with the remote control. His own party is starting to marginalize his campaign and he has no clue how to keep it on track. Even the democrats don’t want him anymore. Advice: You’re the only one who can claim the position of elder statesman. Rise above the bickering and claim your rightful position. Remain calm and let us know you have the right plans to fix what’s wrong. They should be chasing you. Pete Buttigieg The Doogie Howser of democratic politics. Mayor Pete of South Bend, Indiana now believes he should be president. He couldn’t even win the chairmanship of the Democratic National Committee. He believes student debt should be cancelled, but I had to pay mine. Besides, the debt doesn’t just get cancelled, you and I have to pay for it. He doesn’t believe we should use tariffs to pressure countries even though that’s exactly what tariffs are designed to do. Maybe we should just ask other countries to play nicely. Advice: You need to counter the fact that you have no real experience with an explanation of how you are going to counter that. Who are you going to surround yourself with? What kind of people will serve in your administration to help with your inexperience. Stress your youth and energy. Show us that you can build consensus and a team that can lead our country forward. That would help a lot. Amy Klobuchar Who? Until she decided to run for president I had never heard of her. So, what does she stand for? She wants to make elections more secure by mandating that all voting be done by paper ballot. Well, that’s progress for you. She wants to “study” paying reparations to African Americans. She thinks that two years of college should be free. Who’s going to pay the professors? I suspect it will be you and me. Unlike Mayor Pete, she wants to us tariffs to “crack down” on some countries. Advice: You’ve proven yourself to be very electable. Stay in the middle and don’t get caught believing you have to move to the left. The candidate who will win is the one who can bring independents in to vote for you. Show that the goal is to beat Trump and why you are the one who can do that. Mike Bloomberg We certainly learned that Mike is not much of a debater. He’s a republican, no, wait, he’s an independent, no, wait, he’s a democrat. What I most remember him for as mayor of New York is when he wanted to ban “the Big Gulp” and other oversized soft drinks. I’m not saying that he wants to or can buy the election, but if his people would contact my people I’ll let them know how much my vote will cost. Advice: Get it done. Show us with facts that you really do get things done. I don’t care about your debate skills. I don’t think debates have that much meaning anymore. Stress social media and your ability to bring the party together with one goal: beat Trump. Be careful about getting into the mud with a pig because the pig actually likes it. More than anything democrats want to beat Trump. Everything else is secondary. Cliff’s Handicap Here is the order in which I think they will finish: Mike Bloomberg Bernie Sanders Amy Klobuchar Joe Biden Pete Buttigieg Elizabeth Warren Of course I’m almost certainly wrong, but this is how I see it at this point. Keep in mind that any one of them could completely blow themselves up and it wouldn’t surprise me at all. At the moment, my candidate is Mike Bloomberg. Got to fight fire with fire.
