Traveling

I hate traveling. I like being in different places; I just don't like the process of getting there. Airports are the worst.

I can't pack a real tube of toothpaste, take fingernail clippers, or even bring a bottle of water because the TSA guys make me hand it over. They must have a ton of toothpaste stashed somewhere. I think that if they confiscate my toothpaste, then when I get to my destination they should give me a free tube that they confiscated from someone on the other end. We could have a free toothpaste kiosk at every airport!

I don't get the shoe thing, either. Yes, I remember the Shoe Bomber, but in all of history, I think he was the only one. Because of that idiot, I have to take off my sneakers when I go through security. What's weird is that sometimes they don't make me take my sneakers off. How do they decide? Are some airports less at risk for shoe bombing than other airports? Maybe it's the time of day; shoe bombers don't take afternoon flights, so I don't have to take off my sneakers if I fly in the afternoon? I can't figure it out.

Airport food really sucks. Think about it. They're not counting on repeat customers, so they don't really care if the food is any good or not. If you complain about the food in Boston, they know that in a few hours, you're going to be in Los Angeles and you're not likely to come back anyway. Even the “name” restaurants suck. I won't mention the famous chefs who have restaurants in airports, but I'll bet good money that they don't eat there. I don't think the famous English chef who just yells and swears at everyone got his Michelin stars from his airport restaurants. Just sayin'.

Often, when I get to where I'm going, I only have a carry-on bag. Since I don't have to go to baggage claim, I head straight out the doors to catch my bus to wherever I'm going. But I completely forget that baggage claim and arrivals are usually downstairs, and I head out the upstairs doors. I've waited hours for the bus from Logan Airport to Cape Cod … at the departure area where the busses don't go. You'd think I'd figure it out but I still do it.

I don't like people who travel. They cut in line. They stuff their bags in overhead bins that aren't anywhere near their seats so I have no place to put mine. If I'm in boarding zone 2, the idiots from boarding zone 3 keep trying to crowd me out so they can sneak on the plane before me. I always take an aisle seat, and it's always the biggest guy on the plane who has the middle seat next to me. I keep seeing those commercials in which a beautiful woman sits next to you, and by the time you arrive at your destination she's invited you to dinner and told you the name of the hotel where she's staying. That never happens to me.

Remember when the airlines would feed you on a flight? Me too. Now, the best you can get is a package of snacks that you would never buy if they had any real food for sale. The last time I enjoyed a meal on an airline was years ago on Lufthansa. They’d screwed up my ticket from Frankfurt to Bosto, so they moved me up to first class. White linen tablecloth, real silverware, free champagne, and beautifully done filet mignon. Now that's the way to travel. The next flight I booked, I checked the cost of first class … and never mind the filet mignon, I could have bought the whole cow and a half interest in the farm. Maybe I should just stick to the undersized package of pretzels and shut up.

I'm older now, and I have a great susceptibility to bronchitis. Every time I get the sniffles, the germs head right for my lungs and laugh at me while I try to cough and breathe at the same time. Well, stick me in a flying cigar tube with 150 sniffing, coughing disease carriers and I'm going to get sick. Guaranteed. Maybe if I get on the plane wearing a hepa filter over my face, they'll think I'm the one who's sick. If I make them nervous enough, perhaps they'll decide to isolate me in first class, and I can have the filet mignon again for free!