I Hate Apple

Don't get me wrong—I bought my first Apple computer in 1979. I think I was one of four people in the entire country who actually bought an Apple III. It was a giant of a machine. I wanted the biggest and baddest computer I could get, and man, was it a beast. Over the years, I've owned an Apple II, an Apple IIE, and Apple IIC, a MacIntosh, several iMacs, IPods, iPads, and iPhones, and even the first “portable” computer Apple made in 1990, which I lugged all over Europe. At somewhere around 17 pounds, it wasn't really portable, but back then it was the best thing on the market. I was a satisfied and dedicated Apple customer—that is, until they came out with iTunes. I love iTunes; the program isn't the problem. It does everything I need it to do. What I hate is that iTunes seems to be unable to remember my password or credit card number. I bought an Apple TV to begin the process of freeing myself from the evil clutches of Cablevision. Everything was great until Netflix started asking me to enter my password and verify my payment options in iTunes every time I logged on. When I logged on to iTunes, they asked for my password almost every single time, and since my password was stored on a different computer, this became a massive intrusion into my relaxation time. It also delayed my first cocktail of the evening. Unforgivable. I have had to change my password on iTunes more often than I have for every other site I use put together. My passwords were created to be easy for me to remember. Apple has had me change them so many times, I can't keep track of what the current one is, and so every time I use it I have to change it once again which starts the whole cycle over again. Last night, the Lovely Louise and I sat down to watch a movie called The Big Short. I found it on Cablevision, but they wanted $20.99 for me to buy it. I couldn't find it on Netflix because Netflix said I had to sign in to iTunes to verify my payment options. I finally found it in Movies on Apple TV, but when I went to play it, Apple wanted the password I couldn't remember.

The Lovely Louise offered to use her account, so we signed in with her information. Same deal. She had to sign in to iTunes to verify her payment information, which hasn't changed in years. When she finally signed into her iTunes account, the payment information they had was exactly what it should be, so she entered the exact same information all over again. Bingo, we could watch the movie. Now I understand that these things are complicated, and I'm completely incapable of understanding them and don’t have even the faintest idea how to fix them. But Apple has hundreds of geniuses who can figure this stuff out while skateboarding through the Apple campus. Personally, I think those damn kids are just messing with me. They have my IP address, and every time I log on, one of them says to the others, “It's him again. How can we mess him up this time?” So hear me Apple: I'm one of your oldest and most loyal customers. Please figure out a way to remember my user name and password and how to keep my account information straight so I can watch a damn movie or download another album from the 60s. If I have to, I can get out my VCR and just watch my old tapes of those old movies … as soon as I can figure out how to hook up the VCR to my SmartTV. No problem, I'll just call my grandson. He's nine, and I'm sure he can figure it out.