Boy Scouts


They finally did it. They’ve gone to far, and I can no longer keep silent. This time I blame it on the liberals and the political correctness dweebs. The Boy Scouts are no more. They are now just the Scouts. Girls can now join the Boy Scouts. Oh, excuse me—the Scouts. Girls cannot join the Boy Scouts because the Boy Scouts don’t exist anymore. They are defunct, kaput, goners. They bought the farm, they bit the big one, they’re belly up, they’ve kicked the bucket and screwed the pooch. The Boy Scouts are no longer, and its so, so sad. I think its funny that the Girl Scouts are just as pissed off about it as I am. They’re afraid they’re going to lose girls, who will now want to join the Scouts. Well, why wouldn’t they? That’s where the boys are. I was a Boy Scout for years. I made some lifelong friends, and I learned skills that I’ve been using ever since—like making a chocolate cake for our scoutmaster. Only we didn’t have any chocolate, so we used Ex-Lax. It tasted good, but I’m sure he wondered why none of us wanted any. He figured it out later. We probably wouldn’t have done that if there were girls in the troop. Or the time we caught a scout from another troop cutting our tent lines so they’d collapse on us in the middle of the night. We tied him to a tree and left him hollering his head off. Don’t worry, they found him and everyone learned not to mess with Troop 55 from Hyannis. We probably wouldn’t have done that if there were girls in our troop. I’ve written before of the Klondike Derby dogsled we made. It was so large it took out small trees, and we were eventually disqualified after running over and destroying two other troops’ sleds. We probably wouldn’t have done that if there were girls in the troop. I may have also mentioned the time when our troop was at summer camp and we headed out on the lake in a whaleboat. A whaleboat is basically a dory with four rowers on each side and a coxswain to steer. A canoe from another troop splashed us, so our coxswain called “ramming speed” and we proceed to sink every other boat on the lake. When we finally came in, the authorities called our parents and we were banned from camp. We probably wouldn’t have done that if there were girls in the troop. Are you starting to get my point? Take a group of guys and a separate group of girls. I promise you that the conversations among the guys will change if girls are allowed in. I think the same is probably true for the group of girls. To this day, when I go meet my friends for a drink the conversation is very different than if I bring Louise with me to meet the same group of guys. We clean up our language, we’re a lot less sexist (not completely, but a lot less), we don’t talk much about sports or girls … it’s just different. Not better or worse, just different. Allowing girls into the Boy Scouts is going to change the scouting relationship that boys have enjoyed for decades. There’s a gym in my town that’s for women only. I can’t join. They won’t let me. There are women’s groups that won’t let me in either. Louise gets together with her girlfriends for a “girls’ night.” The Chilton Club in Boston is for women only, and they won’t even let me on their website. I don’t have a problem with any of this. But if I wanted to have a club exclusively for men, they’d be picketing outside my door before I could get the key in the lock. Back in the 1980s I was a memory of the local Rotary Club. I don’t remember what year it was, but at some point Rotary International decided to allow women to join. The moment I found out about it, I quit. I didn’t want women in my club. I enjoyed spending time with men, away from the influence of women. I tried to stay, but the first time a woman joined our table, everything was different. No one was sure how to act or what to say. It was awkward and I didn’t like it. According to Diversity Best Practices there are lots of organizations for women that I can’t join: American Association of University Women (AAUW) American Medical Women’s Association (AMWA) Asian Women In Business Association for Women in Communications (AWC) Financial Women’s Association (FWA) General Federation of Women’s Clubs (GFWC) Girls Incorporated League of Women Voters of the United States (LWV) National Association for Female Executives (NAFE) National Council of Jewish Women (NCJW) National Council of Negro Women (NCNW) National Latina Business Women Association (NLBWA) National Organization for Women (NOW) National Women’s Business Council (NWBC) Women in Film and Television Atlanta (WIFTA) Women Impacting Public Policy (WIPP) Women in Technology International (WITI) Women’s Sports Foundation YWCA USA Zonta International I know there are lots more. That’s just what I found in five minutes on Google. I’ve decided that if women can have their own groups and African Americans can have their own groups and Hispanics and Asians can have their own groups, then I should be able to have my very own group. And that’s why I’ve decided to establish the official group for men who think like I do. I’ve decided to name it The National Organization of Mr. Grumpy Pants. It will only be for men over the age of 60 who don’t like conservatives, liberals, or political correctness. (But we do still like women!) Leave me a note and I’ll send you a membership application.


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