Cape Cod Winter

March 1, 2018

Things I miss about winter on Cape Cod.

Shoveling snow


After one heart attack I really don’t need another one. Besides, I have a looooonnnngggg driveway and it’s uphill.

Ice


There are few things in life more fun than leaving in the morning wearing sneakers and doing the Sneakers-and-Ice dance to try to get safely to your car without falling on your ass at least twice.

Cloudy and overcast


The best way to describe a winter day on Cape Cod is dreary. Some people call it Cape Cod grey. I call it the major cause of vitamin D deficiency and depression. Maybe it would help if they added vitamin D to the water supply, along with a healthy dose of Prozac.

Dark


On Cape Cod in the winter it gets dark just after noon. Okay, maybe its not that bad, but dark at 4:30 p.m. seems like the whole day is already over and its too early to start drinking. In the summer, you’re still energized after work because you have three or four more hours to do something.

Drizzle


Any Cape Codder knows that it rarely just pours rain. Its sort of a constant drizzle that soaks everything and can chill you right to the bone. This is why a hot tub is a required amenity for any home.

Clothing


In order to escape the cold, even if you keep the heat on, you need socks, sweat pants, a sweat shirt (preferably with a hood), a blanket, and hot tea with whiskey. It helps if you can have a fire in the fireplace, a golden retriever at your feet, a good book, some Barry White on the stereo, and an endless supply of your favorite adult beverage.

Bed


Nothing worse than getting into a cold bed at night. Its even worse if you’re the first one to bed and your partner comes in and pushes you out of the warm spot because she’s “cold.” You’re cold? What do you think I am?

Slippers


Slippers are necessary because, damn, the floor is cold!

Romance


Nothing says romance like a giant bathrobe and flannel pajamas with feet.

Shoveling snow


Did I mention shoveling snow?

Weather forecasts


More of the same, every day, every week from December until March. What’s worse is that they keep showing people in the Caribbean enjoying the sunshine, swimming in crystal blue waters, and dining on the water with delicious food and large glasses of wine. Program directors who do that should burn in hell.

Salt


Its enough of a problem keeping your car clean at any time of year, but in the winter you have to chip away at the salt crust on your car. This also does wonders for preserving the paint and metal on your buggy.

Windshields


Just when you’re ready to get out and get going you realize that your windshield has five inches of ice on it and you’ve lost your ice scraper. Turn the car on, blast the heat on defrost and come back in three days when the windshield is clear.

Green


There’s no green anywhere. The whole world look colorless and the predominant shade is brown. Everything looks dead, and that’s how you begin to feel.

Leaves


Every living plant, except for the pine trees, has lost its leaves and it looks like the White Walkers have come beyond the Northern Wall to kill everything in their path. If you don’t know what White Walkers are, watch Game of Thrones like everyone else in the world.

Shoveling snow


Did I mention shoveling snow?

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