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I like elephants. I mean, who doesn’t like elephants? I guess the problem I have is that they’re simply elephants. In Connecticut there’s a group of people who think elephants are not just elephants, they’re “autonomous beings” who are being held against their will and should not be imprisoned. They have filed a lawsuit to have the court grant legal “personhood” to the poor pachyderms. According to the Nonhuman Rights Project, they have chosen three elephants whose names are Minnie, Beulah and Karen who should be “treated as a thing to be recognized.” They claim that “the only thing we’re seeking is the single right of bodily liberty that is protected by habeas corpus.” Apparently they are looking for due process for the elephants. I don’t even know where to begin with idiots like this. You can’t talk to an elephant. Well, you can, but they just look at you with those big brown eyes, wave their ears, and squirt you with water from their trunks. Sort of an elephant style Three Stooges move. The craziest people are the ones who claim the elephants talk to them. Really? What did the elephant say, and was it in English? I’ve seen elephants paint pictures, and they’re a lot better than I am, but I’ve never heard one speak English or any other language. I’m pretty sure it’s called anthropomorphism. That’s when you attribute human-like qualities to animals. I think these people are crazy, too. Have you even seen those videos on Facebook where someone claims their dog is speaking to them? The dog barks, and the owner gets all excited and exclaims that little Fifi just said hello. Sorry, but what I heard was “woof.” After careful consideration, however, I think perhaps elephants should have rights, and all other animals should as well. I also think they have the right to testify and be cross examined. “Mr. Elephant, would you raise your trunk and repeat after me?” First, we’ll need a bigger witness chair, or perhaps the judge will allow him to stand and testify. But unless the elephants speaks English, the court stenographer is going to have a hell of a time. What we need is an elephant interpreter. Attorney: Mr. Elephant, where were you on the night of January 5, 1994? Elephant: I was in my neighborhood bar having a drink with my buddies, and we were talking about the economy. I was wearing nothing at all, and I was drinking Amstel Light because I’m watching my weight. Attorney: How can you remember that night so clearly? Elephant: I’m an elephant and elephants never forget. Since elephants are supposed to be very intelligent, I think they should be qualified under the Americans With Disabilities Act as service animals. Then I would have to allow them into my hotel. Airlines would have to provide seats for them. Dogs and cats would be able to sue their owners for mistreatment. Pigs could go on strike if their slop wasn’t properly sanitized. Cows could sue if their milkers’ hands were too cold, causing them “discomfort in the teats.” Horses could go on strike if their riders were too heavy. And let’s not even get into the problems chickens would have with us. Its already gotten to the point that I’m afraid to even speak to a woman in a bar for fear of being accused of sexual harassment. I really don’t want to be sued the next time I go fishing for using a sharp hook with a barb on it.


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