2017

January 19, 2018

Every year I think to myself that this year can’t be any crazier than the last one. Every year, I’m wrong. 2017 was one for the books and, in case you’ve forgotten, I thought I’d remind you how crazy it was.

Covfefe:
Our president loves to Tweet, and this was one of his great ones. He tweets because he doesn’t trust the Fraud News and Fake news, which seems to include every media outlet that doesn’t agree with him. Of course the media doesn’t help itself very much, as they keep getting caught with actual fake news. For 2018 I hope that John Kelly takes the president’s phone away from him.

Super Bowl:
Halfway through the third quarter and my beloved Patriots are losing 28–3. I’ve seen them come back before, but even I thought this was too much. Then . . . a miracle. The EDLECATCH! This was better than David Tyree’s catch that helped beat us in Super Bowl XLII. That was the exact moment when I knew Brady and the Boys were going to take this. And we did. No wonder everyone hates us.

Women’s March:
Organizers said it wasn’t about Trump, but many of them wore pink “pussy hats” in protest of the president’s use of the word. For me, it just kept reminding me of words I shouldn’t use or I’ll get whacked by the Lovely Louise. She has a list of things I’m not supposed to say.

Harvey Weinstein:
Harvey started a flood: men in power being accused of sexual harassment. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it got worse. Turns out there are quite a few pigs in power. What I don’t like is that now all men are getting sideways looks from women, as if they know we’re some sort of pervert, but they haven’t yet figured out exactly what kind. Even me. I know, hard to believe, right?

Hurricanes:
Harvey, Irma, and Maria. It must have been bad, because Irma ripped a hole in the screen on my lanai. Yes, I know about Puerto Rico—they’re not going to have any power until 2021. But my lanai affects me directly. I don’t know anyone in Puerto Rico.

Hollyweed:
Marijuana is sweeping the country, and nowhere more than California. You knew it was going to be the year of the bong when some enterprising individual changed the Hollywood sign to read Hollyweed. Surf’s up, dude!

The Russians Are Coming:
The US Intelligence Community is “confident” that the Russian government “interfered” with our elections by hacking the democrats and releasing e-mails from Hillary and others with the intent to embarrass them by telling the truth. Russia says that they think it might have been a guy named Eddie in Stalingrad who still lives with his parents. No one really knows if it interfered with the election or not but, gosh darn, somebody needs to have a serious talk with Eddie.

James Comey:
The FBI Director was fired after months of investigating the Trump campaign’s Russian connections. Democrats screamed bloody murder while conveniently forgetting that they wanted him fired months earlier because of his investigation into Hillary’s e-mails. I think they were just pissed because Trump fired him instead of Obama.

Martin Shkreli:
Of all the people who deserve to go to jail, this dickwad is at the very top of my list. Remember how he increased the price of a drug he now owned from $13.50 a pill to $750.00 per pill? He’s now safely locked away, and good riddance.

White House:
Until this past year I never knew that the White House had a revolving door. Comey’s out and Scaramucci’s in, but only for about ten days. Spicer leaves, closely followed by Chief of Staff Priebus, and no worries because General Kelly is now in charge. Bannon quits because Trump isn’t Trump enough for his taste, while Price is riding around the country in private planes. Most shockingly, Omarosa finally had enough and quit before Trump could point at his former Apprentice contestant and say “you’re fired.”

Solar Eclipse:
Finally some good news. The moon is going to eat the sun. Millions traveled all over the country to get a good view of something that could burn their eyeballs out. As H. L. Mencken said,  “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

NFL:
The players took a knee to protest the treatment of black people, but many Americans saw it as disrespectful to veterans who fought and died for our country. The team with the most protesting players was the Indianapolis Colts, with a record of 4–12. Just sayin’

North Korea:
Trump and Kim are having a Twitter war that scares the bejeezus out of me. Now they’re claiming they each have the biggest and most powerful “button.” It’s so crazy I’m waiting for each of them to do a Weinstein and expose themselves to prove who is the “real” man. Insanity.

Mass Shootings:
On and on they go, and no one knows what to do about it. Since you’ll never get all the guns away from everyone, why don’t we concentrate on keeping crazy people from getting guns? It seems to me that the way you get people to not do something is to make the consequences of doing it so horrible that they don’t do it. I have a few ideas.

Travel Ban:
I loved the explanation of this that came directly from the White House: It’s not a travel ban, it’s a ban on travel. ‘Nuf said.

There was a lot more crazy stuff in 2017, but now we’re in 2018, and Kim’s still a problem, Trump still has Twitter, the media can’t get its collective act together, women are still pissed at men, and the world goes round and round. Happy 2018!

 

 

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