Curing Cancer

July 1, 2017

Today, I’ve decided to cure cancer.


Then I got to thinking, as long as I’m tackling cancer, why not take on my other medical issues as well? So I’m also going to cure diabetes and heart disease. After this, I’ll probably be tired, so I’ll make a cocktail, which should fix my bad attitude.

Why am I doing this? Simple. I have all three diseases and I’m tired of it. Since the doctors don’t seem to know what to do, I’m turning to the Internet, where you can learn everything about anything. I’m focusing on herbs, as they’re simple and easy to use. I’ve found that some of the herbal cures are the same for different diseases, which is wonderful because it simplifies the recipes I’ll need to prepare in order to eradicate these scourges from our planet. If you believe what you read, these herbs are going to fix me—and you—right up, so if you’re ready to fight disease with me, read on.

Cancer
According to sources as reliable as WebMD and Some-Guy-Named-Joe’s website, there are many herbs that can cure cancer, or at least stop it from growing. Here are just a few, and trust me, I’ve checked my sources:

Clover
Dandelion
Ginger
Horsetail (not what you think; it’s a sort of grass)
Licorice
Oregano
Parsley
Plantains

Heart Disease
Similarly, the fabulous Internet lists a bunch of herbs that can fix or eliminate heart disease. Yay! Here are the ones most often listed:

Cinnamon
Garlic
Ginger
Onion
Cumin
Cayenne
Rosemary
Spinach
Cilantro

Diabetes
Finally, lowering your sugar is the key to conquering diabetes. Gosh darn it, we had everything we needed right in our spice cabinet. Who knew? Well, now you have no excuse.

Cinnamon
Cloves
Garlic
Kale
Rosemary
Oregano
Sage
Ginger
Turmeric
Cayenne
Fenugreek
Ginseng

Now that I've finished all the research, I’m going to prepare a dinner that will fix you (and me) right up. Actually, I’m more concerned with me, but you can come along for the ride. I’m thinking garden salad with a lamb curry. I’m going to use and combine as many of the herbs as I can for a dinner that will make the Dana Farber Cancer Center weep with frustration.

Salad
Wash and chop clover, dandelion, cilantro, kale, horsetail, and spinach. Place in large salad bowl. Add chopped onion, chopped tomato, and a chopped hard-boiled egg. Sprinkle with fenugreek seeds and coriander seeds. Top with balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil.

Main course
How about a flavorful lamb curry to cure disease?

In a food processor, chop onion, garlic, and ginger. When it looks like a paste, heat a large fry pan and sauté the onion mixture until the onions start to turn translucent. Add cumin, turmeric, coriander, cloves, cinnamon stick, cayenne, oregano, and fenugreek. Add chopped tomatoes and bring to a slight simmer. Add lamb bits and allow to simmer for three to four hours. If too spicy, add a touch of coconut milk or Greek yogurt. Make a pot of basmati rice. Serve curry over rice and sprinkle with parsley.

Dessert
Plantain flambé with bits of licorice.

We’ve just used twenty-two out of twenty-nine disease fighting herbs, and by 9:00 p.m. we’ll be feeling like Superman! By next Wednesday, we should be cured. You can easily throw in a few things we’ve left out, but we don’t want to overdo it in our first dinner.

Just as an aside, I was delighted to find that if I ever need Viagra (never mind, I’m fine, thank you), I can substitute an herb named Horny Goat Weed. I kid you not. I like the name so much I may just try some for the hell of it. How can an herb named Horny Goat Weed not make you feel eighteen again? If I did try some, it would purely be in the interest of science and reporting the facts to my readers. I’ll let you know.

Now here’s the thing: I know lots of people who believe this stuff, and I suppose it is possible that there’s some validity to some of it. But do I really think I can cure my cancer by eating dandelions and plantains? No, and neither should you. I keep hearing about all of these supposed cures for cancer in particular, and some of them are so incredibly stupid, I can’t believe people fall for them. Shark cartilage was popular a few years ago, but that’s pretty much been discredited.

The latest “cure” for cancer is to turn your body alkaline, because cancer cells can’t survive in an alkaline environment. This is true, but it ignores the fact that you can’t live in an alkaline environment either. If your blood pH goes too high or too low, you die. It’s that simple. They try to prove their point by having you pee on a pH test strip. Well, if your diet is acidic, the test strip will show you on the acid side (your kidneys get rid of anything too acidic or too alkaline), and they’ll tell you that you need their supplements to make yourself more alkaline. Hogwash. You’re testing the pH of your urine and not your blood, but people fall for this all the time.

So here we are. There are no magical herbal cures for any of these diseases. If there were, the mainstream media would be shouting it from the rooftops. Well, I’ve been listening, and no one’s shouting anything.

In the meantime, if you want to cure cancer, heart disease, or diabetes, come over to my house and I’ll cook with the best herbs available. We may not cure your disease, but we’ll have a hell of a dinner! And don’t forget, a good bottle of wine fixes almost anything.

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