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Since the Republicans seem to have so much trouble fixing Obamacare, I've decided to do it for them—right here, right now. If you're an insurance company or a pharmaceutical company, you may want to stop reading. You ain't gonna like this very much, but I've sworn to fix it, and y'all are in my sights.

Let's start with insurance companies, because . . . well, just because I don't like them. Insurance companies base their rates on projected risk. If you have a lot of older, unhealthy people in your program, your claims are going to be high, and so will your premiums. Conversely, if you've got a bunch of young, healthy people, your costs and your premiums are going to be lower. It's all about the pool of risk.

So how do you solve that? Simple: Throw everyone in the pool. A national one-payer system would and should cover everyone. No opting in; no option at all. If you're a citizen, you're covered. That's it. Now everyone's in the pool and everyone swims together. Rates stabilize, premiums don't vary, and it's pretty easy to calculate. What's our total projected health care cost? How many people we got? Divide people into cost and you've got the premium. Now you can play with that premium and adjust it so poor people pay less and rich people pay more. That's only fair.

So what's the problem? The insurance companies will scream bloody murder because they're all going out of business. So what? The hell with them.

Okay, Big Pharma, your turn. It's outrageous that we pay the highest drug prices in the world. In a one-payer system, all drug companies have to negotiate prices with the only organization that buys drugs. I understand that they need to make a profit to stay in business and continue developing new drugs, but I want the best price I can get, and that's not happening. From now on they have to talk to me, and I want a deal or I'm going to buy from the other guy.

Well, where are we? In a couple of paragraphs, I've fixed Obamacare and dealt with the pharmaceutical companies. Good job. What else? How about doctors?

Everyone wants to be a specialist because that's where the money is. But we need primary care physicians and family doctors, so let's make it easy. If you agree to be a PCP or family physician, we'll forgive ten percent of your debt every year for ten years just for becoming a doctor. After that, if you want to specialize in proctology, be my guest. How do we pay for that? Again, it's simple. Big schools have big endowments. They either start forking it over or we tax their endowment for the money we need. Sorry there universities, but everyone needs to kick in. Harvard has an endowment of about $35 billion; they can pay for a couple of doctors as part of their community involvement program. The liberals will love it.

Standardize medical costs. I need a dental implant and crown. If I get it done on Cape Cod, it's about $4,800. If I do it in Cape Coral, Florida, it's going to cost me about $2,500. That ain't right. Any procedure should cost the same no matter where you are, and it will in Cliffcare.

Nurses? Shut up and pay them. I've been in the hospital a number of times and they are simply the best and should be paid as such. End of story.

Hospitals can save a ton of money by only having to hire staff to deal with Cliffcare. They won't have to deal with a bazillion different insurance plans and payment schedules. What service did you perform? Send us the bill and we'll send you a check. Simple.

Now, what have we accomplished in 1,000 words or less? We fixed Obamacare. We've stabilized premiums and made them fair. We've provided an adequate number of doctors, paid our nurses, and cut our overhead. Not bad for fifteen minutes of my time.

Come back next time, because I'm going to fix taxes!


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