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Getting in Shape

It's time to get in shape. Well, OK, there's nothing really special about right now because it's really always time to get in shape. I guess I should say that right now is a good time to start getting back in shape. I've been trying to tell myself that, having done nothing to stay in shape in a very long time is actually just fine because . . . well . . . round is a shape.

A few years ago, we bought a giant vibrator. No, get your head out of the gutter. It's a Vmax Fitness Trio that you stand on and it vibrates. Yes, I know it sounds silly but we ran into an old friend of mine a while back and he's even older than I am. He looked very fit and he was. He told us that he spent ten minutes a day on his vibration machine and it completely toned him up in just ten minutes a day. Hard to believe but, looking at him, there really wasn't much doubt.

All right, then. Order giant vibrator. Done.

If you've never used a vibration machine, it's . . . well . . . frankly, it's a little weird. You stand on this platform, turn the thing on and it starts to vibrate both up and down and in a circle. Now, my balance has never been great but I'm really glad they have handles to grab onto. Without those, I might go flying into the wall.

Here's the theory. Since the force on a muscle equals the mass times the acceleration (F = M x A), if you lift a heavy weight slowly, you put a lot of force on the muscle to make it stronger. With the evil vibration machine, you use very little mass but you accelerate a whole lot. Your whole damn body vibrates. When you tense your muscles, like when you squat down while on the machine, the vibrations work your muscles 30 to 50 times a minute. You get the same workout force as you would with heavy weights and lifting them slowly. That's the theory, anyway.

What it feels like is very strange, though. It sort of feels like you climbed into your clothes dryer and turned it on. The claim is that ten minutes on the giant vibrator is equal to an hour in the gym. Hey, I'll trade ten minutes for an hour anytime. But here's the first problem. When you step on the machine and start vibrating at just below the speed of light, it's only about two minutes before your bladder is so shaken that you have to stop the machine to go to the bathroom. There, only eight minutes to go.

It also shakes your head no matter how much you try and stop it. With my brain bouncing back and forth inside my skull for 30 to 50 times a minute, I'm sure I have a concussion. I think I need the NFL to do some research on this for me. Never mind Deflategate, this is really important. I'll bet the Patriots won't let Tom Brady get on one of these infernal machines.

Anyway, the damn machine is sitting in our bedroom right next to my desk. So far, I've used it to hold piles of paper that haven't been filed yet. It works brilliantly for that. I'm still angry with our scientists who could send people to the moon almost fifty years ago but can't figure out a damn pill that will allow me to eat anything I want without gaining weight. How hard could it be to dissolve a little fat?

Here, I'll make it simple for them. We all know that the body converts stored fat to energy when it doesn't have enough energy from what you're eating, right? OK, here it is then and it's so simple, I should win a Nobel Prize for this idea. Invent a pill that prevents your body from absorbing any of the food you eat and the body will burn your fat. When you've reached your desired weight, stop taking the pill. How hard can that be, right? When Big Pharma listens to me and comes out with one, I want a cut. I'll be rich and I'll be so busy playing with my money, I won't have time to write this blog anymore.

In any event, since I'm trying to get back in shape and lose some weight, I'll continue with the damn vibrator, walking on my broken foot (see my blog on Walking) and eating on the Mediterranean Diet Plan which is my new plan. I'll check back with you in a few weeks to update you on my progress. If you don't hear from me, it's probably because I have a concussion.


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