Gluten Free

Growing up, I didn't know anyone who was gluten free, lactose free, vegan, only free range meat, peanut intolerant, low calorie, low carb, low fat or organic. Back “in the day”, people ate whatever was cooked for them and I don't remember anyone having any real problems.

I really don't understand vegetarians and vegans. As the old joke goes, do you know what the indian word for vegetarian means? Bad hunter.

I got in trouble with a vegan once because I pointed to a tooth in my mouth and asked if she knew what that tooth is called. When she said no, I said, “it's a canine. Do you know what canines are for? Ripping meat.” Apparently, you can't explain to a vegan that the human body was built to eat and digest meat because when you do, they simply say that you just don't understand.

We have lots of visitors to our home in Florida. For some reason, they all come in the winter. They didn't visit us on Cape Cod but, once we moved to Florida for the winter, the invasions began.

I do like to cook but I now have to run a full service restaurant. Menus have to be planned around who can't eat wheat, or any kind of dairy or nothing at all with meat or meat products in or even near it. I was even asked if I had properly cleaned the cutting board after cutting some steaks to remove the beef contamination. Recently, I had to make a separate pot of tomato sauce because it would be “tainted” if I put meatballs in it. Oh yes, the meatballs couldn't have bread crumbs because it would then not be gluten free.

I have discovered after speaking with some of our guests that eggs are not eggs, they're undeveloped chickens and therefore completely gross. No dairy includes all kinds of cheese as well. Mayonnaise is forbidden because it's made with eggs. Vegetarians don't eat meat but some will eat fish and some won't eat meat but they love bacon. I know, I can't figure that one out either.

I'm tempted to go back to the rule in my mother's house when I was growing up. You'll eat what I cook or you won't eat at all, your choice.

I know I must resist this, but I have an almost overwhelming desire to mess with people. I'm tempted to saute vegetables for the vegetarians and vegans in some wonderful bacon fat I've saved. I'm tempted to thicken a sauce for the gluten free people with a little flour instead of corn starch to see if they really do blow up. I'm tempted to empty the carton of almond milk and replace it with cow's milk to see if they really notice. I'm tempted to add a few peanuts into everything except I know that a real peanut allergy can kill someone. Hmmmm . . . I have a few in mind where that's not such a bad idea . . . No, I must resist the impulse.

Maybe I'm just lucky that I can eat everything with no problem. And yet, I still wonder how many of these diseases and food allergies are real and how many are simply the disease of the year. How come peanuts didn't kill kids when I was in school? Where are the teats on almonds so you can get the milk? I've seen real soy and I don't know how you could milk that either. My grandmother was a great cook. Do you want to know why? I don't care if you do or not because I'm going to tell you. She used real lard, heavy cream and salted butter in just about everything. You want some good food? Try that.

I'm also trying to figure out why antibiotics are bad when they've saved so many animals from disease. Why are free range chickens any better than the others? Free range just seems to mean they can run around more which I suspect would make the meat tougher. We all need hormones and most of us could use a few more as we get older so, if I have to get them in my hamburger, so what?

Don't get me started on the low fat, low calorie, low carb stuff. I could lecture you all day long and most of you still won't believe me despite all of the scientific facts I could bring to you. The simple truth is, you just don't want to know.

I think my next dinner is going to be breaded veal cutlets with a flour based gravy, mashed potatoes with real butter and cream and some asparagus sauted in duck fat. With it, I'll open up a wonderful $200 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon I picked up on my trip to Napa Valley. Anyone interested?