Of Women and Onions
Being a man of a certain maturity (Louise would tell you that means I'm an old bugger), I have discovered that the best place to meet women is not in a bar or even online dating. The very best place to meet women is in the onion aisle of your local supermarket.
I must first tell you that I was with my first wife for 43 years. No, I'm not that old; we just started dating when we were thirteen. In all that time, I don't think I was ever picked up by another woman. I believe that women have a built-in “married” radar that tells them whether or not a man is single.
After my divorce, I found myself on the receiving end of approaches from all sorts of women. There was something about me that was different from when I was married, and I must have put out some psychic emanations that screamed “single man here!”
In any event, there I am in the onion aisle trying to decide between sweet yellow onions or Vidalia onions. A very attractive woman who appeared to be in her late forties asked me if I knew the difference between the two. I replied, “About 20 cents a pound.” Apparently, she appreciated my clever response and asked me if cooked. I told her I did, and she responded that she was terrible at it and asked if I had any advice. “You have two choices, Chinese take-out or take me home.” I thought I was being very clever until she scared the crap out of me by saying, “You pick out something for dinner and don't worry, I've got plenty of wine.” Oh my God, I thought, what do I do now? My bluff has been called. So I did the only thing I could—I took her address and phone number, ran like hell, and never showed up. I also switched grocery stores.
A few months later there I was again, looking at onions, when another good-looking woman started talking to me about the proper ratio of onion to garlic in cooking. I thought it was a normal conversation until she looked me straight in the eye and said, “You're cute.” I think I mumbled some sort of excuse and wheeled my cart out of there as fast as I could go.
The third time was at the check-out line, and once again, onions were involved. As the very attractive check-out lady was scanning my items, she held my large onions, one in each hand and said, “You have very interesting groceries here; can you cook?” When I replied that I could, she said she'd been looking all her life for a man who could cook. Wittily, I responded, “Well, there are actually only three of us who can cook, and the other two are married.” She then picked up my steak and said, “Then why don't we have this for dinner tonight? I'll give you my address.” Again I took her address but failed to show, and once again, I had to switch grocery stores.
I don't know why I ran from each of these women. They were all very good looking, and I was certainly in the market. I guess I'm just old fashioned and like to be the one doing the chasing. When I was on Match.com, I was having cocktails with some friends of mine in a local watering hole when I noticed the woman across the bar was staring at me. I went to the men's room, and when I came out she was standing right in front of me and said, “I've seen your picture on Match.com, but I was too shy to write you a note. Can I buy you a drink?” Are you serious? You can't write me an anonymous note but you can corral me outside a men's room and offer to by me a drink? Warning bells are going off inside my head, saying, “Quick, check her medicine cabinet.”
In any event, that's the ratio of women I met in a grocery store to women I met in a bar—about three to one, with the onions winning. So if you find yourself single, head to the nearest grocery store, stand in the onion aisle, and look like you’re carefully considering the relative merits of the various onions. If you really look like you know what you're doing, inevitably an attractive women will approach you and ask you about … well … onions.