I Love TV

I love TV. Actually, to be completely honest, it's not TV I love; it's the noise a TV makes.

Most of the time, when I'm watching TV, I'm not really watching it; it's background noise. I may sit there thinking or reading a book, but I seldom even know what's on the TV. It almost doesn't matter what show is on—I just need the noise. I've always had a TV in my office, and it's on all day long. I don't listen to it unless Judge Judy is slamming one of her litigants.

I don't do quiet. When it's quiet, I think something's wrong. I can't concentrate, and I constantly look up from my book to see what's wrong. Nothing ever is wrong; it's just the way I feel. The white noise of the TV allows me to concentrate, and that's good for me because my mind wanders easily.

I have my go-to shows that I watch regularly. Gordon Ramsey, Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, and America's Test Kitchen are a few of my favorites. See a theme here? I've been criticized for endlessly watching cooking shows, but no one complains anymore when I make dinner. Funny, huh?

I'm a sucker for nature shows. David Attenborough is one of my favorite people in the world. You know him. He's the guy who narrates all those BBC specials. He just sounds like he’s smarter than I am, and when I watch him I feel like I'm actually learning something. Besides, how long did the cameraman have to sit there to get that shot of the owl silently flying directly at you in slow motion? How do owls fly in slow motion?

More often than not, I'm completely amazed that there can be over 500 channels available to me but really nothing interesting to watch. How can that be? I'm interested in lots of things, but none of them are on TV.

I'll tell you what I'm not interested in—reality shows. The problem is, they're simply not real. Most of them are scripted and, pardonez-moi, that makes them not real by definition. Pawn Stars is a great example. You don't really think that Rick, The Old Man, Corey, and Chumlee really talk to each other that way, do you? I've been to their pawnshop, and it's a dump in a not-very-nice section of Las Vegas. I suspect they make a lot more money from their TV show than they do as pawnbrokers. I've checked out some of their prices, and they're pretty darn high.

Don't even get me started on Duck Dynasty, which I watched for a couple of years even though I knew it was faked. At least it was a clever fake, and the guys could pull the acting off. Well, mostly they could.

The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Dating Naked, and One Lonely Girl Dumped On An Island With Ten Stupid Single Guys With Great Abs and No Brains are all shows I can do without. Never seen any of the Kardashian show, although I'm sure their dad would be proud. I don't even remember the name of that little hillbilly girl who got famous for no apparent reason a while back, although I don't think she's even on anymore. Thank goodness.

I will admit that I get suckered in by America's Got Talent every year. They're very clever. They put on some of the dumbest acts with someone who is truly great. I can't believe that some people are willing to make complete idiots of themselves on national TV … just to be on national TV. They’re almost worth sitting through to get to that one performer on each show who will just blow you away.

In any event, I'll have the TV on again tonight, and this time I’ll probably be watching it—the Olympics are on, and I want to see if Michael Phelps can get another gold medal. Personally, I think he should be banned, or no one else will ever have a chance to win a gold medal in swimming ever again.