The Code of Guys

August 11, 2016

 

Most women don’t realize it and they certainly don’t understand it, but there is a Code of Guys.  These are simple little rules that every man understands instinctively, no explanation being necessary because we all get it.  Let me try to explain.

Bathrooms - there’s no talking in the men’s room.  It’s not a social place.  You go in, do your business and then you get out.  If you’re at the urinal, you stare at the wall right in front of you.  You don’t look around and you definitely don’t sneak a peek at the guy standing next to you.  I don’t care if he’s draining like a fire hose, you just stare straight ahead.  When you’re done, give it a shake, zip up, wash your hands and leave.  This is why we can get in and out and the line for the men’s room is always shorter.

Ex-girlfriends and ex-wives - Let’s say your buddy is with a woman who you think is incredibly hot.  They break up and you’re clearly interested in his ex.  How long should you wait before asking her out?  The correct answer is - NEVER.  Not six months, not a year, that woman is forever untouchable for you if you want to keep your friend.  It’s like farming.  For years you plow your field and reap the harvest.  Eventually, it’s not your farm anymore and now a different farmer is plowing your field.  If that new farmer is your buddy, you can never be friends with him again.  You may not want the farm anymore but, damn it, that’s still your field.

Guy debt - It exists.  I’ll explain it by discussing the concept of fart debt.  You’re driving in your car with a couple of friends.  Suddenly, you cut a particularly rotten piece of cheese.  Immediately, you roll up the windows so your friends can share in your triumph.  Only when they start to gag do you relent and let the windows down.  Because of what you’ve done to your buddies, you now owe them a fart debt.  At some point, they’re going to come across something completely disgusting and they’re going to ask you to take a whiff.  Because of your outstanding fart debt, you have no choice.  You must take a whiff.  Now you’re even and can go on with your life, debt free.  Women just don’t understand this.

Buddy cover - This is very important.  You always cover for your buddy, even if you have no idea what he might have done.  Let me give you an example.  A man stays out all night and his wife has no idea where he is.  She calls you to ask if you know where he was last night.  The only proper response is “he was with me, all night”.  If she calls ten of his friends, they are all obligated to say the same thing.  It causes confusion and obfuscation and gives him lots of leeway to figure out what he’s going to tell her.  On the other hand, if a woman stays out all night and her husband calls her friends, they will tell him they don’t know.  Another difference between men and women.

The sex block - A real man never interferes with his friend’s opportunity to get laid.  Never.  If your buddy is making headway with a woman, you do everything you can to help him.  Someday, he will return the favor.  You do not start telling stories about yourself, telling funnier jokes or even talk to the woman unless it’s absolutely necessary.  If she has a friend and he needs a wingman, you do it graciously.  I don’t care how unattractive the friend is, you just do it.

Stories - If your friends starts to tell a story that you’ve heard 17 times before, you let him tell the story again, particularly if you are both drinking.  It is perfectly permissible to give his stories numbers to identify them.  You can then shout out “Number 8” to show that you already know the story.  This does not in any way reduce your obligation to listen to the story again.

Pizza and beer - Thou shall not take your friend’s last piece of pizza or his last beer.  This rule is sacrosanct.

Lateness - If your friend is late, you are only required to wait for him for five minutes.  This is different for a woman.  A guy will wait on a woman for an extra ten minutes for every point she has on the hotness scale.  

Borrowing - A friend has a right to borrow anything you own, even if you don’t want to lend him anything.  Your woman is the only exception, unless you’re into that sort of thing, then borrowing is permissible as long as he returns her when he’s finished.

Women - A woman who claims to love fishing, hunting, and sports on tv must be regarded as a potential spy until she actually goes fishing, hunting or watches sports.  There are female spies out there and we must be vigilant.

There are many more codes of conduct that we follow, but the number one Code is - never reveal the Code of Guys to a woman.

Since I have ignored the number one Code, I must go burn my Man Card until I figure out how to redeem myself in the eyes of my brothers.

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